Stepping into Restoration

Last year, I hoped for restoration. It had been a rough few years, and I was finally hopeful that things would start looking up. They did not.

If anything, as the year went on, my outlook grew darker and darker.

And then–it was December 29, and I had to look back at my hopes for 2024 to see how I fared this past year. “A year for restoration.” I simultaneously wanted to laugh and cry.

What was restored this past year? I had more thoughts of abandoning my Christian walk, of abandoning my pursuit of pastoral ministry, of “what’s the point of any of this?” than I care to admit.

The brightest lights this year were the birth of my daughter and the presence of my family. However, even the latter was dimmed when my 3 year old son was diagnosed with a speech delay, and further darkened as it became increasingly clear our living quarters were too small.

As I type all of this, my brain reminds me of one of my least favorite Bible verses:

If you remain in Me and My words remain in you, ask whatever you want and it will be done for you.

John 15:7, HCSB

I have planned an elaboration of that verse and my prior assessment of it for January 6, but for now I want to focus on prayer–on a specific kind of prayer.

Lectio Divina

At the end of last year, I discovered an alternative understanding of quiet time with God. However, in my pride and self-certainty, I told myself, “I’ll look into this later,” and the link vanished and I forgot all about it. But at the end of November, I was reminded of this idea by this Thread (that I quoted). As such, I pursued further resources on the topic, and was led to the following two books (currently halfway through the second):

• James C. Wilhoit and Evan B. Howard, Discovering Lectio Divina: Bringing Scripture into Ordinary Life (Downers Grove, IL: IVP, 2012)
• Dallas Willard, Hearing God: Developing a Conversational Relationship with God (Downers Grove, IL: IVP, 2021)

As I hinted in the above paragraph, time flies. I failed to make something a priority, and before I knew it, a whole year had almost passed. It’s crazy that my son is already 3, and my daughter is going to be 1 in less than a month.

Here’s the fact: if I would have pursued this truth that God placed in front of me over a year ago–2024 could have been a year of restoration. But that’s how rock bottom works. God doesn’t fight people; he lets them go their way, placing signposts so they are able to find their way back to him when they are ready. And he doesn’t guilt people: “Oh, so now that you discovered this truth for yourself you’ll actually follow it!? Was it not good enough when I told you the same?”

A short excursion

When I first rediscovered Jesus in 2010, I found him in a Bible passage and a journal. The Bible passage was 2 Chronicles 33:10-13.

The Lord spoke to Manasseh and his people, but they didn’t listen. So He brought against them the military commanders of the king of Assyria. They captured Manasseh with hooks, bound him with bronze shackles, and took him to Babylon. When he was in distress, he sought the favor of Yahweh his God and earnestly humbled himself before the God of his ancestors. He prayed to Him, so He heard his petition and granted his request, and brought him back to Jerusalem, to his kingdom. So Manasseh came to know that Yahweh is God.

HCSB

It was the first text that I ever highlighted in a Bible, and it led me soon after to start voraciously reading the Bible, highlighting all over. I felt like God was speaking to me on every page. This was to be hugely contrasted with my attitude prior to rediscovering Jesus. As the antagonist in the fictionalized retelling of my testimony puts it:

“You see, you’ve been completely fed up since Mrs. Peterson started mandatory, Friday morning devotionals at school. You’ve grown to loathe anything Biblical. Her comments drive you crazy. . . . She repeatedly says, ‘I drive to work with my radio off so I can hear God speak to me.’ ‘Yesterday on the way to work I heard God speak to me.’ Or, ‘Have you ever had God speak to you?’”

Joshua Wingerd, Stranded: Awakening, book 1, 271.

Secondly, I started writing in a journal fairly regularly, keeping track of very personal prayers to God. I’d pray for my friends, for potential relationships, for my future, for anything and everything that came to mind. If I missed a day or two I would apologize to God in the journal and fill him in on the highlights since.

I’ve not journaled regularly–with that sort of transparency and friendliness toward God–since 2011. It can’t be a coincidence that 2012 was when I both started getting more involved with a theologically and biblically idolatrous church and first read the Bible through from cover to cover (I actually did it 3 times that year and remember joking that the extra two would make up for the prior two years of just jumping around in my Bible reading). And then I went to Bible college, learned the scientific methods to study the Bible, and despite trying my hardest to keep the Spirit involved, the Spirit became synonymous with Fundamentalist and Calvinist doctrine.

Besides, the Church I was attending insisted that God only spoke through the Bible, so why should I expect to hear from him in any other way–especially since he’d never spoken to me a different way before?

However, over the past five years, I’ve been slowly opening to the possibility that God speaks to people in more ways than just the Bible. This idea was first presented to me by my father-in-law, reinforced by my wife’s own testimony, and–even though I argued against the possibility in early conversations–my father-in-law is the one who recommended Willard’s book to me.

As I worked my last day at Hobby Lobby on December 28, I was reminded of 2 Chronicles 33 in this connection. What if my failure to listen to God is why my spiritual (and physical) life looks little different now from how it looked in 2010? What if my failure to listen to God has trapped me in a sort of exile for the past 12 years?

Time for a change

So 2025 is a time for a change. It’s been too long doing the same old thing, expecting different results.

Insanity.

Rather, 2025 will be the year of stopping, looking, and listening.

Stop, look, listen.

A mantra that a Google search reveals has multiple applications.

We “stop, look, and listen” before we cross the street (or train tracks).

We “stop, look, and listen” to our children by putting our phones down, engaging in eye contact, and actually paying attention.

We “stop, look, and listen” when we read carefully, not just rushing to get through the content.

We “stop, look, and listen” when we need to handle key moments.

And that’s what the next three headings will consider. I want more of God this year. I want to know him. I want to trust him. I want to believe him. I want to follow him. I want to recognize his presence in my life; I want to walk closely with him, speaking with him like a man speaks with a friend (Exodus 33:11), hearing everything he has to say to me.

I want to follow him so closely that I’m covered in him (the theme of the summer camp when I reconnected with Jesus in 2010).

Stop

If I am to truly grow in my walk with God this year, I have to stop. I’m always on the go. I’m always doing something. Always moving from project to project.

I need to prioritize slowing down. I need to not try to do too much. I hope the project list that closes out this post demonstrates more of a laser focus on my personal goals this year than in previous years.

Stopping will also contribute to my health/weight and debt struggles. If I’m always “go, go go,” then I’ll never stop to take time to exercise.

If I never stop to think, “Do I really need this?” I’ll keep purchasing frivolous things (books) that will result in less money and continued debt.

But in my devotional pursuit of closeness with God, stop means not reading the whole Bible this year. I want to read small sections, begging for God to speak to me there. In the handful of practice sessions I’ve done (interspersed throughout Willard’s book), I’ve yet to fail to be encouraged by what has to be the voice of God.

I know enough about God; if I want to know God, I need to “stop” (Psalm 46:10).

Look

I threw shade at the “scientific” study of the Bible above. However, there’s nothing inherently wrong with this kind of study. Besides, I love digging deep in commentaries and theology and history to understand exactly what God was saying to the original audience. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

My Revelation blogs specifically sought to just look at the text as it stands, without digging into commentaries. I’m going to turn those blogs into a commentary, and when I do so, I will utilize commentaries and other tools to make sure what I publish is as theologically and exegetically and historically accurate as possible.

But in my stopping, part of looking is looking closely at the text. I have to examine it. I have to pray over it. I have to look at it exegetically. I have to look at it theologically. I have to look at it historically. All of these aspects will contribute to me hearing from God from the text. And specifically hearing from God accurately from the text.

And if all I do is examine the text, I’m not looking enough. I also need to look at my life and examine it in light of the text. If I look at the text but don’t look at my life, it’s worthless (James 1:23-25). In fact—and maybe this has been my problem the past 13 years—only the person who hears (reads) the Word and applies it to his/her life is blessed (James 1:25). Maybe this is why my walk has been so stagnant—why I feel cursed in what I do?

Listen

I can say I want to hear from God, but if I’m not open to hearing from him, I never will. As such, listen should mostly take place during prayer. However, listen should also take place in conversations with others and while partaking of other media.

Allow me to explain.

Prayerful listening

This one is the easiest to understand, so I won’t spend much time here.

We often think of prayer as speaking to God, but there’s so much more to it than that. And it doesn’t take much reflection to realize this.

When you speak to someone else, is that all that happens? You talking?

I hope not.

It’s the same way with God; if all we do is talk, then we’re not really speaking with God. We should also quiet ourselves and listen for a response.

This is where listen begins. In prayer. In conversations with God. We won’t be experts immediately, but we will grow as we practice this discipline.

Communicative listening

This sort of listening will actually aid our prayer life. When we are willing to listen to others and don’t expect to do all the talking in conversations, it helps us quiet ourselves and listen to God in times of prayer.

Additionally, when we listen to others, we might hear from God—a perspective we might not have considered on our own. We can’t be so arrogant that we think that God can’t speak through other people, especially if they’re a believer and their message doesn’t contradict Scripture. We must also remember that contradicting our understanding of Scripture is not the same as contradicting Scripture.

Media listening

A final form of listening is paying attention to God’s voice in other mediums. We’ve understood prayer and persons, but persons don’t just speak; they also write books and movies and songs. It’s very possible God could have something for us in a movie we watch or a song we hear.

Let’s not limit the sovereignty of God. Too often, belief in God’s sovereignty can hinder our conception of possibilities for God; in reality this belief should blow open the possibilities for God.

Chalk it up to a practical outworking of one of these phrases:

• “All truth is God’s truth” (Augustine, On Christian Doctrine 2.28)
• “Plunder the Egyptians” (Augustine, On Christian Doctrine 2.60)
• “History is God’s (his) story”

I once read a novel by a nonbeliever that challenged me to stay the next time I was tempted to run—it broke a longstanding pattern in my life and led me to where I am now. At the time, I didn’t even consider if it was God, but now I’m definitely not positive it wasn’t.

I’ve heard songs that give me the exact words (often comfort) I’ve needed in situations.

God is a God of beauty, and great works of art display him. Lines and images in these works of art can speak to us, and God can be intending for us to hear this speaking.

Do we?

Or do we insist that the Bible is the only place God speaks?

And if the Bible is the only place God speaks, why do we listen to sermons? There’s a lot that’s not the Bible in sermons—even the most exegetically-inclined exposition is less than 100% Bible.

Review and Preview

As usual, before looking at this year’s extra goals, I must start with my annual “spiritual”:

My biggest accomplishment for 2024 was reading through the whole Bible this year (including the Deuterocanonical books for the first time); I also read a chapter of Proverbs and a Gospel everyday. I finished blogging my way through Revelation (the link takes you to the first entry, and you can follow links in each through the whole series). I was also able to release new music this year. I am also quite proud of the fact that we were able to knock out more than $6,000 of debt last year, though the number I initially presented in last year’s post failed to include credit card debt, so if nothing else had changed last year, the $11,730.99 would have been up to $17,197.95 by mid-December. However, going into 2025, we only have $10,592.72 owed in any form to anybody.

When it comes to partial accomplishments, I did not blog weekly, but I did write over 50k words here. I did not write 50k words of a new novel in November, but between July and November I was able to write 49,082 words between two new projects. My prayer life was not what I hoped it would be, and I feel like I allowed my family to fall through the cracks at times, despite having increased time available to spend with them. My goal to lose 30 pounds was a failure, but I want to encourage myself that even though my weight did travel like this over the course of 2024–

• 1/11/24 = 196 lb
• 5/20/24 = 203.2 lb
• 11/23/24 = 194.2 lb
• 12/23/24 = 197.6 lb

–I feel better about myself already, and I know that staying active will provide results. I lost at least nine pounds between May and November simply by becoming a seasonal worker at Hobby Lobby from October through December.

When it comes to straight-up failed goals, I regret to admit that I failed to tell anyone about Jesus (outside this blog) last year, and I have not made progress on getting more involved in a local church yet (though the first steps for that process have been taken). I’m still a full-time substitute teacher going into 2025, and I’ve not yet published any journal articles or additional novels.

With the painful part out of the way, I can be hopeful for 2025. Here is where my focus will be:

• Practice lectio divina daily
  • keep a journal of the progress
  • pray daily
  • reading slowly, starting with:
    • Genesis 1-3
    • John 15
    • Proverbs 1-9
• Grow in love for others
  • Better love my wife and children (lead them in daily devotions; be present)
  • Better love the Church (get involved in some area of ministry)
  • Better love the lost by actually being an evangelist (beyond the pages of my blog)
• Writing goals:
  • Publish 52 blogs here
  • Stronger than Sin — complete another draft
  • Switched — complete another draft
  • Soldier — complete another draft
  • Convert my Revelation blogs into a carefully researched commentary
  • Submit three articles to academic Christian journals
    • A reworked version of my Master’s thesis
    • Augustine and Confessions and the deconverted/exvangelicals
    • Christology and abortion
• Get out of full-time substitute teaching
• Start freelance writing
• Continue making a dent in debt (currently $10,592.72)
• Lose 30 pounds (Get to 170)
  • Exercise tri-weekly
  • Eat healthier

What do you hope to get out of your 2025?

In this with you.

Soli Deo Gloria
Solus Christus
Pro Ecclesia

Thanks for reading.