What follows is an excerpt of my latest novel project, temporarily titled Practical(ly) Theology, though this title is definitely growing on me. This is just a rough draft, so things will still change before publication (and when it comes to Chapter 1 will likely need to). I first alluded to this project here.
Enjoy!
Prologue
The man can’t believe his eyes. The screen in front of him goes in and out of clarity. Are these tears? Is this emotion? No, it can’t be. Emotion is of the devil. Women are the emotional ones. It’s why the fall happened in the first place. Obviously. Eve forgot to think logically about God’s commands, started thinking with her emotions, and it plunged the entire human race into sin. And what do we have now? A world filled with sex, profanity, and violence. To think, a new Game of Thrones spinoff is being made. Just what the world needs: more sex and violence.
Violence.
Violence.
It’s only a couple steps from violence to its cousin. Suicide.
Suicide.
And that’s what the text on the man’s phone says: Ryan Byrd committed suicide.
The more the man reflects on the situation, the more sense it makes. Ryan was a loner. Ryan alienated people. Ryan always had to be right. Ryan wanted to steal his job, and when it came to light, the man acted quick and kicked him out of his organization. That was five days ago. He hadn’t seen or spoken to the guy in five days. And then this news hits his phone?
The man wonders how Ryan did it? Did he hang himself like Judas? It would be fitting. He’d proven himself to not be a sheep by his attempted coup, so ending it like Judas only makes sense. And even if the coup didn’t make him an unbeliever, the man knows no true believer commits suicide. Once saved, always saved; unless the person in question commits suicide or walks away from the church. Then it’s clear they were never saved in the first place.
The man senses a slight inconsistency there, but he doesn’t care to pursue it. The fact of the matter is that he got his position by teaching what his mentors taught. And Ryan tried to take over because he thought the man was doing it wrong. But it just goes to show that for every twelve faithful disciples, there’s likely at least one Judas.
The man rubs any semblance of emotion out of his eyes. Be strong. Don’t show weakness.
Sure, the only person near enough to notice his emotion is his wife, but he has to stay in character. If he shows emotion, then it’ll indicate that he did something wrong by throwing Ryan out of the church. But that’s impossible. Therefore, he must remain stoic.
“What is it, dear?” his wife asks, looking up from her book in bed. “You seem tense.”
“It looks like our search for a new associate pastor is starting over. Apparently, the guy we’ve been looking at is taking a job in the city at a large church.” It isn’t a lie. The email he’d been reading when the text message from Ryan’s roommate—another member of the church—came through had said as much. “I need to go for a walk,” he tells his wife, as he climbs out of bed and throws on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.
“Would you like company?” his wife asks, looking up from her novel.
“No thank you,” he says. There’s too much on his mind for emotion to be allowed to get in the way.
“Okay. I love you. Don’t be out too long.”
“I won’t.” He disappears out the door. The thought occurs to him: Why didn’t I say “I love you too”? but he pushes it out of his mind with more pressing thoughts.
Would Ryan’s family ask him to officiate the funeral? If they did, would they expect him to say good, hopeful things about the guy? What could he possibly say? Suicide is the unforgivable sin. There’s no going back from it. Why? Because it proves that you didn’t persevere until the end. It proves that you didn’t want to continue experiencing God’s grace. How can he preach a hopeful funeral sermon about a guy who is obviously now in hell?
He knows he should pray, but prayer isn’t logical. He knows he should feel for Ryan’s friends and family, but it’s that word: feel. Feelings are deceptive. The emotions swirling around in his mind and heart need to be tamped down with logic. This is the goal of this walk.
He grabs a water bottle out of his fridge and makes his way into the cool summer evening, thinking about life and death.
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6 Months Earlier
Chapter 1 — Ryan
There are a handful of defining moments in each person’s life. Moments so powerful that they have the power to forever alter the course of life. Usually, choosing cheese over pepperoni pizza would not count as a defining moment, but sometimes that turns out to be a massively important choice. It was for me.
My roommate, Jake, and his girlfriend of three years, Audrey, had just gotten engaged, so we naturally had to throw a party for them. I was less than excited to be there, since my girlfriend and I had recently gone through a pretty ugly breakup, and loneliness and self-doubt were weighing pretty heavily on my soul. But I wanted to be a good friend, and Calvin, Jake’s friend from work and our third roommate, had recommended prioritizing others as a great way to numb the pain.
There was a hum of multiple conversations throughout the apartment. We probably were breaking our lease with how many people were crammed into it right now, but since it was an alcohol-free party and there were no children, it shouldn’t result in the cops being called.
Jake was munching on a pizza by our television, holding a red cup of soda in his other hand. He was talking to some of his work friends, including Calvin, all of whom were probably congratulating him on his engagement. Of his work friends, Jake was the first to get engaged; he’d already heard the obligatory, “You really want to tie yourself down for the rest of your life?” in the past few days since the engagement.
Audrey was standing in the kitchen, surrounded by church friends, including the oldest person at the party—Blair Flynn, the pastor’s wife. Blair wasn’t particularly old, but when the average guest was our age—early twenties—a mother of teenagers stands out as older.
Several other groups of people stood around, chatting about various topics, contributing to the hum of voices throughout the apartment.
I decided to grab a slice of pizza myself.
Jake and Audrey had a playful, long-standing argument over which kind of pizza was best, so for the party, we’d bought an equal number of both types, and placed them on card tables on opposite sides of the room to see which pizza was preferred by people. I’m usually a pepperoni or supreme guy, but in order to show solidarity for Jake, I decided to grab a couple pieces of cheese instead.
“Ryan Byrd?” a voice said, as I grabbed my pizza slices.
I turned to see an older guy I didn’t immediately recognize. How does he know my name? I started to reply, but “Um” was all I got out. My mind doesn’t exactly work quickly when put on the spot.
“Sorry, Ryan.” The man set his pizza on the box on the table, which made me wrinkle my nose.
It was Calvin’s idea to not use plates with the pizza. I dreaded the idea of cleaning our apartment after this party; there would be pizza sauce everywhere.
As I kept glancing at the stranger, I started to place him. I’d seen him at church before. But why is he talking to me? I wondered. He fit more closely in my parents’ demographic—even though they were no longer around. Maybe Blair isn’t the oldest person here. I glanced back toward Audrey and was surprised to see Blair making her way through the throng of people toward the door.
“I’m Dennis. How was college?” the stranger asked me.
“It was good.” I paused. “Forgive me. You look vaguely familiar, but I’m struggling to place you. How do I recognize you?”
“I was good friends with your parents during their time at Garden of Grace Church. I’m one of the boardmembers, just like your dad was. We have a proposition for you.”
I was immediately curious. Why is the board reaching out to me? “What sort of proposition?”
“You went to school for ministry, right?” He retrieved his pizza and took a bite before continuing. “If you’re willing, we’d like to vote for you to become a pastoral intern under Pastor Flynn this coming Sunday. You know, learn the ropes of practical pastoral ministry from him, serve as the youth pastor for our youth demographic, and maybe become senior pastor after he retires.”
I hoped the shock I was feeling wasn’t as clear to him as it was to me. My mind flew a mile a minute. An internship? Really? Two months after getting out of college? This is what college students dream of. “Definitely put it to a vote,” I said. The worst that could happen was that the vote failed. And then I will just be back where I am right now. No job, no income, no girlfriend, no prospects for the future. I took a large bite of my pizza.
“I do want to verify again, though. You did go to school for ministry, right?”
I held up a finger as I tried to swallow the pizza in my mouth. Once I could speak presentably, I said, “Yeah. I majored in Biblical Studies, and I minored in pastoral ministry. I start seminary here in town next week for my Master of Divinity.”
“Great. Great.” He set his pizza back down on the box, reached into his pocket, pulled out his wallet, and handed me a business card. “Give me a call sometime. Would love to talk more. It was good to meet you.” His hand remained extended after handing me the business card.
“Good to meet you too, Dennis,” I said, shaking his hand. “Enjoy the party. I’ll give you a call at some point before next Sunday.”
“When you do,” he said, turning around, “we can discuss potential compensation if you’re voted in.”
A job and an internship in my field? The possibility was too good to be true. I stuffed my face with pizza and kept thinking about the future. Things were looking up.
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