“Give Us this Day…”

The words of Bilbo to Gandalf are especially fitting right now:

“I feel all thin, sort of stretched, if you know what I mean: like butter that has been scraped over too much bread.”¹

Between a full-time substitute teaching job; trying to keep up with this blog; wanting to be a full-time author; trying to get certified to make a bit more money as a full-time teacher; having a wife and two small kids to care for and prioritize; trying to rest and recuperate; pursuing the ever-elusive possibility of vocational pastoral ministry; advertising my writing services (and following through for people); and now starting a part-time, seasonal job at Hobby Lobby, there is far too much bread and not enough butter—or cheddar for that matter.

But I am forced to wonder—am I trying to do too much?²

James says “a double-minded (literally: two-souled) man is unstable in all his ways” (1:8). And according to the prior paragraph, I’m a noncuple-minded man (divided into nine parts).

Now granted, Paul warned me of this in 1 Corinthians 7:28, especially when I read it with 1 Timothy 5:8. Yes, marriage and family is troubling, but it’s not troubling in the “Oh, I can’t stand them” sense; it’s troubling in the “There’s mouths to feed, and the economy is garbage, and I’m working hours and hours for pennies” sense. But if I don’t provide for them, I’m worse than an unbeliever, so grind away I must. And in a strange way, it brings me joy to be able to provide what I can for them.

I just wish there was more. More money to do fun things with them and justify days off. More time to be able to do fun things with them. More space to be able to create memories.

But here we are, seemingly forever trapped in a 2-bedroom, 1-bathroom apartment which we’d outgrown before we even moved in, working at least 60 hours a week, drowning in debt with no sight of the surface (Dave Ramsey could recommend all sorts of strategies, but when income doesn’t even equal expenses, it’s not helpful).

And the more I have to grind for money, the less time I have for either my family or my dreams (dreams that would hopefully make for more time with my family). So what am I to do? James makes it clear that a double-minded man is unstable; just how wobbly am I right now?

Obviously I can’t quit my main job. Substitute teaching is one of the best gigs I’ve ever had, and I love the time it leaves me to pursue other things. I also love the joy on kid’s faces when they see that their day isn’t what they initially expected. I relish the opportunity to be a light in a dark place—even just by being laidback, friendly, and encouraging. When I do finally transition into a more permanent career, I will truly miss this aspect of this job.

I could potentially quit my second job, but luckily it is merely seasonal and it will help cushion our income through the Fall, Thanksgiving, and Christmas breaks that are right around the corner. I’m also hopeful that it will help pay off a good portion of our $5,000 of debt that we’ve collected since making our cross-country move in August 2023. I’m sure I’ll be too exhausted when January rolls around to stick it out much beyond that—I guess we’ll see what happens.

I’m trying to keep up with this blog—at least one post a week. We’ll see how well that continues, but I am hopeful. I could easily slash this blog off my list of things to do, but if anything from God has been clear in the last 4 years, it’s that my writing is something he’s given me for a reason. I must exercise this gift. I’m very excited to start expositing 1 John in 2025, but several posts (including my Revelation series) must be completed first.

Whereas my blogging isn’t really bringing in any income right now, I can use my knowledge of grammar and writing to help others (and make a few extra bucks in the process). I can’t give up my writing services, per se, since this is one of my favorite things to be able to do. Full-time editing would be a dream of mine. But I can refrain from actively advertising my services so that I don’t get overwhelmed with the work on top of everything else. But if you, or someone you know, needs writing services (editing, proofreading, or indexing), I hope you reach out.

Besides offering writing services—which could technically go quite nicely with this next dream vocation—my dream career is being a full-time author, whether of fiction or nonfiction. However, this is the dream that consistently gets placed on the back burner when life gets hectic—as it definitely is now. I’m planning on making this a priority (especially fiction) in November, while taking a break from the blog. I’m painfully close to finishing two novels, and I have been for a couple years now. But that’s why it’s painful. They’re so close, but I can’t find the time or motivation to finish them. And then I have a long list of other projects I want to write. A list that seems to grow almost daily.

I’m preaching at a church this Sunday, October 6, and they are—to a greater or lesser degree—considering me as their pastor. This will be the second church that has considered me this year, and the third since Spring 2022. As such, I’m thrilled to be able to preach, but I’m not going to get my hopes too high for the pastor position. Would it justify my schooling for the past 11 years and enable my family to have a physically better living situation? Both—yes! But do I really want to drag my family into the politics of church leadership? I tremble at the thought.

I am also currently pursuing English teacher certification in Missouri (and potentially 14 other states). This can help me make a bit more money than substitute teaching makes, though—at least in our current locale—not enough to not still need the second income. And when we add in the numerous other requirements and time that schools expect of their teachers, it’s a way better deal to just keep subbing. But someone provided the money for me to be able to get this teacher certification, so I’d like that not to have been in vain. Plus, I’m halfway through the program, so it’s too late to quit now. My goal is to be certified by December—so again, this season has an expiration date.

I worry that this pace of life is not sustainable. I worry about negative health ramifications down the road. As such, I want to prioritize Sabbath and rest. But how can I when I don’t even have the time to accomplish my requirements in a seven-day week? Plus, if I take a nap, that’s time that could have been spent tidying the apartment, cleaning the cat box, doing dishes, or otherwise loving my family.

My son will be three in a month and a half, and my daughter will be one at the end of January. I missed the first two years of my son’s life trying to finish my Master’s degree, and I swore I wouldn’t do that for my daughter. But if I faithfully make a living for my family, I’m missing at least 7 hours a day, five days a week for both of them; and as long as I’m working this second job, that number goes up by another 20 hours a week. And if I’m trying to write and everything else, I’m even more busy now then I was during my Master’s degree work. I want to be present as a dad, but I can’t be when I have to grind constantly just to pay for rent and groceries, let alone do anything to try to help us have an ever better life.

Our hope is not in a political party. While the economy improving might help some of this stress, it won’t help the ingrained tendency in my own heart to try to do too much. I think of Psalm 127:2.

In vain you get up early and stay up late,
working hard to have enough food—
yes, He gives sleep to the one He loves.

Psalm 127:2 (HCSB)

God loves me, right?

Why am I not sleeping?

Why is the sleep I get filled with dreams of missing deadlines and scheduled work and having to tell my kids, “No, I can’t today”?

I pray it’s just for a season. I pray that things look better come next year. I pray that I would love and lead my family well no matter how much butter or cheddar I have for my bread.

Give us today our daily bread.

Matthew 6:11 (HCSB)

Or should I be asking for butter and cheddar instead?

In this with you.

Thanks for reading!

Notes and References

1. J. R. R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring (New York: Del Rey, 2012), 34. Emphasis in original. ↩︎
2. If anyone wonders, “Why is he posting this here? Isn’t this more private-journal-worthy than public-blog-worthy?” my thinking is that it can serve someday as a testimony to God’s continued faithfulness to us and simultaneously encourage others who are similarly struggling in this time. ↩︎